Roller Coaster Emotions.

These two weeks have been rather fruitful for me. Great experiences. New business wins. The feeling of wanting to keep pushing myself until the end. It was all good, really. The moment when you know you're doing things right or correcting the wrongs just so you can go further.

Not until I stopped for a bit every now and then, where I started wondering where is the end, or if it will ever exist. I started thinking what happened to all the things that I've always wanted to do even since a few years back. Taking the MBA. Heading back to the UK. Traveling alone. Living life on my own.

What has changed in my life that stopped me from pursuing my own wishlist? Where has my determination in achieving something gone to besides trying to fight for my career breakthrough?

I felt like I'm already almost at a point of losing my identity and I just feel... lost in my life. I started questioning myself what's stopping me.

Was it my family? 

Was it my relationship? 

Was it my current job? 

Was it monetary issues? 

Or was it just me? 

I'm confused not because I don't know the answer. In fact, I know the answer better than anyone else. I'm afraid of what's lying in the future. I'm afraid that at the end of the day, whatever that I'm fighting for myself will affect my current life. I'm afraid of hurting anyone while I'm in the progress of moving forward. 

I'm just afraid to change.

I won't lie. I'm struggling internally and while knowing that this has been bothering me for quite a bit, I don't know how to express it. I feel almost breathless and it's worse when you know this can only be settled on your own. 

I once heard from someone that it's good to be alone because then, you know there is nothing that will stop you but yourself. You know there will be no one that you need to care for and just do whatever you like. At least by being alone, you know you won't be able to hurt anyone.

I didn't understand it back then. I guess I do now and perhaps, only to be able to shut it all down will be a way forward for me.